The Crimes of India

Indian team recalls ex-cricketers after humiliating exit from ICC trophy

2009-10-03T16:31:00.000-07:00

Indian team recalls ex-cricketers after humiliating exit from ICC trophy

By Aja Ja Re Ja October 3, 2009

Johannesburg: Indian Cricket Team suffered an early humiliating exit from ICC Champion’s Trophy winning only one match against the West Indies. Main cause of their exit is being termed as the loss against arch rivals Pakistan. However, some believe that the real cause is the recent phenomenon of Indian cricketers taking to the world of glamour. For instance, Ishant Sharma doing the fly mobile ad with Malaika Arora Khan and Dhoni’s affection towards Shar Rukh Khan.

However, some dignified cricketers are not falling into this trap and are choosing to not see, hear or talk about anything that is happening around them.

Selectors have however taken notice and they are now recalling ex-cricketing greats into the team who would have no chance of a career in glamour. Each of these cricketers brings something unique to the table which will help India’s bid towards winning the next ICC trophy.

1) Dodda Ganesh

Dodda Ganesh had a short lived cricket career. This is because most of his balls were hit for boundaries. Dodda Ganesh has taken only five Test wickets at a high average of 57.4 at the international level. However, this is because he is not suited for test cricket played during the day with a red ball against a white sight screen. Selectors have realized that his abilities come to the fore when he is playing a day-night match.

During a day night match, it won’t matter what kind of ball Dodda pitches because batsman has no way of seeing it until the ball bounces right before him. Therefore selectors are hoping that Dodda will pitch some balls in line with the wickets and be the leading wicket taker in the next ICC trophy for India.

2) Nikhil Chopra

Nikhil Chopra was an off spinner who could also dance and give poor unrelated commentary on star sports. His most effective weapon was the pony tail he had when he came on the team in the early days. Bowling with that pony tail with the goggles on used to irritate the batsman all the time. He was removed because it also irritated the viewers. However, he is now thought to be close to the Pakistan team and can bring in some strategies in the team to tackle their next match against them.

3) Joginder Sharma

Who can forget the man who deceived Misbah in the T20 final to win the match against Pakistan. Joginder Sharma plays with the mind of the batsmen and his key tool is his unexpected pace. His menacing looks and rhythmic run up make the batsmen think that a real fast Yorker is coming their way, however the ball is a slow paced lollipop usually. This technique has been taught to Gully cricketers since time immemorial and is called the ‘Lalchi Ball’. Most batsmen get deceived by it and it is this ball that made Pakistan ‘Mis-Bah’ just 5 runs in the final.

4) Hrishikesh Kanitkar

The man who lofted Saqlain Mushtaq for a four to win a 314 run chase against Pakistan in the third and final match of the series is remembered by everyone. Unfortunately, that was probably the only boundary he ever hit. He was plagued by injuries because a lot of his servants and their friends kept hitting him for reasons unknown to him. Now that the real culprit is found, there are no more misunderstandings and selectors have brought him in the team to hit more 4s against Pakistan.

5) Sadagopan Ramesh

By far the batsman who frustrated bowlers the most due to his utter lack of any sort of technique, S Ramesh, is now being brought back to frustrate the hell out of opposition bowlers. Ramesh applies Fevicol to his front foot before going into bat every time, can look towards only his leg side, has no wristwork and has tried to play a pull shot on a Yorker once. His USP is that you cannot set a field for him or predict what he is going to do. A bat is like a log in his hands and in that respect selectors think he is much like Dhoni, albeit less effective. Ramesh’s inclusion is guaranteed to destroy any game plan the opposition has.

COI hopes that with the inclusion of these ex cricketing greats, who have absolutely no chance of making it in the glamour world, Indian team will be able to concentrate more on the game of cricket and will win its next major tournament and thus justify all the ridiculous ICC awards Indians have been winning at the recently held ICC award function.

Kids of Panipat think Congress is not austere enough

2009-09-17T17:42:00.001-07:00

Kids of Panipat think Congress is not austere enough

By Gareeb Khan September 17, 2009

Panipat: Rahul Gandhi recently travelled to Ludhiana by the chair car of Shatabdi Express to inaugurate a youth congress function. His compartment was pelted by stones by some kids near Panipat station. Upon investigation we found that this was due to the fact that those kids do not believe that Congress is austere enough.

Rahul Gandhi smiles as a stone is just about to hit him. Smiling in the face of adversity is something he really knows well apparently

Kids of Panipat did that to oppose his fancy culinary habits. He is still seen eating Paneer Tikka Masala at hotels, however the kids wish he was more austere and had stones for his dinner. This would signify the stones most poor people have instead of their luck (kismet me pathar likhe hain). They were just being nice and providing him with some evening snack.

Sample of the thali that kids want Congress leaders to eat in order to become fully austere

Rahul’s train ride was part of a larger austerity initiative that Congress has recently launched. As part of the drive, S.M Krishna has announced that he will be taking the economy class of Lufthansa air for his next international trip. Also, he will be using a basic wooden chair full of thorns to sit on, instead of the usual airplane seat.

The big thorn right in the middle of the chair would signify the process we have to go through while dealing with the red tape in any government office.

PM Manmohan Singh has also announced that his next country wide yatra will be on a bullock cart. This would signify the slow pace of reforms his team is putting in place for India.

Manmohan Singh will travel on a bullock cart to signify the slow pace of reforms India is experiencing

COI also did an extensive survey and came up with a list of suggestions for Congress. Our readers have suggested alternatives for everyday things that Congress leaders can use and they are summarized in the below table.

COI also tried contacting MP Vijay Mallya, but he could not give a rat’s behind for austerity.

BJP Says Jaswant Singh laid off due to recession, Advani selected as the brand ambassador of Duracell

2009-08-20T00:47:00.000-07:00

By Majboor Kumar August 18, 2009

New Delhi: BJP today expelled their long time leader Jaswant Singh. Media reports say that Jaswant Singh was expelled due to calling Jinnah a secular person. However, COI’s inside sources have revealed that BJP have laid off Jaswant Singh due to the current recession. Present economic climate did not allow the party to keep paying Jaswant’s high salary and perks.

Ex. BJP leader Jaswant Singh in happier and recent times

Party says that they have had to take major steps to ensure sustenance during this period. As part of this, a lot of BJP leaders have become brand ambassador of leading worldwide brands to earn extra income for the party. BJP supremo LK Advani has been selected as the brand ambassador of Duracall, the cell that keeps going on and on and on.

BJP leader LK Advani to replace the Duracell bunny in future campaigns

Duracell Brand Manager says “LK Advani represents our brand perfectly. He has been going on since time immemorial. And his prime ministerial ambition has been playing an even longer stint. Since we could not recruit his ambitions, we recruited him”.

BJP top leadership has been the subject of much discussion over the past few days. RSS leaders want Advani Ji to quit and handover to a younger candidate. LK Advani has indeed played a long stint. Some say, he is so old that he has had Dinosaurs as pets in the past.

Advani comes out from a private jet with his entourage, including his pet, a kid Velociraptor Dinosaur

Other BJP leaders are not behind. Varun Gandhi has been selected as the face of Chinese Institute, International Institute for Strategic Studies. This institute recently suggested breaking India up for China’s own advantage. They believe Varun represents their core ideals of Divide and Rule perfectly.

Varun will change his looks and work for the IISS, China. (PS. We know this photo could have been better, bear with us, we are tired today!)

Also, Sushma Swaraj along with Amitabh Bachchan has been selected as the joint brand ambassador of Bol Bachchan Enterprises. It is believed that Amitabh represents the Bachchan part of company’s name.

Joint brand ambassador of Bol Bachchan enterprises. Amitabh represents the Bachchan part of company’s name

There are many such steps that BJP has taken and we will investigate more in future reports.

Companies like Air India can profit from adopting BJP’s practices so that they don’t have to take from the drought hit farmers’ taxes in order to fly the ultra rich for European vacations.

We tried contacting Menaka Gandhi for her views on this, but she was busy trying to protect pigs that Times Now is killing in order to contain swine flu.