Financial Market Index changed to a constantly upward pointing arrow

By Modigliani Miller August 09, 2009

Dalal Street: In the latest bid to attract foreign investment, the Indian Financial Market Index, Sensex, has been changed to a constantly upward pointing arrow of golden color starting at a million points.

Finance Minister Pranab Mukherjee was proud of his move. “I realized that it doesn’t really matter what the sensex says. It is completely random, constantly fluctuates and no one really understands it anyway. But its value does affect the mood of the investors and our economic cycle. So in a stroke of genius I made a rule that from henceforth we will have a constantly upward pointing arrow. We were all tired of the see saw of bull and bear cycles anyway” he said.

Bull and bear constantly play see saw even though Pranab Mukherjee doesn’t want them too. Silly animals!

Since time immemorial, efficient markets have been governed by four hypotheses¹ - weak market hypothesis, semi-strong market hypothesis, strong market hypothesis and sunny deol strong market hypothesis. Weak form states that one cannot determine future results based on past performance. Although, if one has some fundamental analysis about the stocks or some insider information, they can make better profits than the average investor.

Semi-Strong form indicates that even analysis won’t work, but if one has some private insider knowledge, than one can gain by trading that stock. Strong form indicates that even insider knowledge about the company does not matter and one just cannot beat the market. The Sunny Deol Strong form suggests that sensex is extremely heavy and a bull cycle comes only when Sunny Deol is able to lift the sensex.

Sunny Deol can lift anything or anyone including the Sensex during a recession. We really hope he does not sue us²

Investors have long debated on these academic theories and they just cannot seem to get their investments right. This has resulted in fighting, bankruptcies, beer summits and a market for self help books.

Investors cannot seem to make head or tail of the stock market. Which is fine by Arindam and Deepak.

Pranab Mukerjee goes on to explain “So you see, the damn thing really controls how we feel about our day to day life, even though we have no clue how it works. For all we know it might not even be related with financial performance. What’s the point of it then? It is just like Navjot Singh Sidhu’s commentary, only he can understand what he is saying and many times what he says has absolutely nothing to do with cricket. Therefore I came up with this brilliant idea to ensure everyone stays happy by having a golden colored arrow starting at one million which will simply keep growing, as our sensex. But you cannot tell anyone about this plan. We need foreign investors to feel good and pour in capital. I even plan to put shining sparkle on it. Bhalo na?”

Pranab wants to keep his move secret. Too bad COI has a kickass investigating team

COI approached Navjot Singh Sidhu for his comments and he really wanted to comment, but he could not because he just could not stop laughing even though we had only said hello.